Learning to Fly: A story about overcoming depression Read online

  Learning to Fly

  A story about overcoming depression

  David E. Forrester

  Contents

  Prologue

  Part I

  1. Screaming silently

  2. Screaming loudly

  3. Shock and admiration

  4. Apathy

  5. Blind date

  6. Crossing the Rubicon

  7. Liz’s quiet scream

  8. Seeing a star

  9. Talking about connections

  10. Bad behaviour

  11. Anger management

  12. Homework

  13. Back to work

  14. Counting steps

  15. Seeking some balance

  16. Cognitive distortions

  Part II

  17. Unsatiated

  18. Side effects

  19. Speaking of seduction

  20. Imaginary friends

  21. Real friends, part 1

  22. Finding some balance

  23. Sammy the blackbird

  24. Winning the lottery

  25. Plunging in

  26. Holiday in Hoi An

  27. Real friends, part 2

  28. Riding the barrage

  29. First day of school

  30. Painting a smile on your face

  31. The mile relay, part 1

  32. The mile

  33. The mile relay, part 2

  34. Harvest

  35. Mirror

  36. An itch you can’t scratch

  37. A little more love

  Part III

  38. Talking about withdrawal

  39. Falling in love again

  40. Good nights

  41. Conversations

  42. Stepping into the storm

  43. Catching Cats

  44. London calling

  45. Picnic in the park

  Part IV

  46. Real friends, part 3

  47. Rage

  48. Unconscious

  49. Consciousness

  50. An intervention

  51. At least kiss me before…

  52. Stepping out of the shadows

  Part V

  53. Looking inside yourself

  54. Homecomings

  55. Courage

  56. Letter to Bobby

  Epilogue

  Afterword

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Author’s appeal

  Next book

  Notes

  Copyright © 2020 by David E. Forrester

  All rights reserved.

  ISBN-13: 978-0-6485839-1-2 (Paperback edition)

  ISBN-13: 978-0-6485839-0-5 (Ebook edition)

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  For my son, my letter to you.

  ‘What’s it like, your depression?’

  ‘It’s like that feeling you get when you’re having a really bad day, but instead of being able to go to bed and start fresh the next day, the feeling stays with you and is always there. Sometimes, it won’t even let you sleep.

  ‘But, I’m getting better.’

  Prologue

  ‘Gong xi fa cai1,’ Roger said holding up his beer bottle.

  ‘Happy Chinese New Year,’ Pete said in reply as they clinked the necks of their bottles and each took a long drink.

  ‘Speaking of greater wealth, no excuses this time, pay up,’ Roger demanded.

  ‘For what?’ Pete asked feigning ignorance.

  Roger smiled. ‘You still owe me two hundred bucks from my All Blacks’ glorious victory over your hapless Wallabies in the Bledisloe Cup. And don’t go trying to tell me you don’t have the cash on you like you’ve done the last few times,’ he gently cautioned Pete and took another swig of beer.

  ‘You know I went specially to an ATM to get cash out so I could pay you,’ Pete said reaching into his wallet. He then handed over two hundred dollars to Roger.

  ‘Thanks. Always a pleasure doing business with you Moggy,’ Roger said as he shoved the bills into his wallet with a broad smile on this face.

  Pete took a gulp of beer. ‘Is that better than your bonus?’ he asked sarcastically.

  ‘Ha ha. I got enough to put another dent in the cost of May’s university education,’ Roger replied. ‘How did you do?’

  ‘I did ok. Bobby’s school fees through primary and high school are just about taken care of. I got something else as well though,’ Pete added.

  ‘What? A pay rise?’ Roger said excitedly.

  ‘Not quite. My boss Nick said he has a good chance of being promoted from Head of Asia Trading to Global Head of Trading in the coming year, which means he’d be moving from Singapore back to London.’

  ‘So?’ Roger said and took another drink from his beer.

  ‘He said he’d put my name forward to be his replacement. I’d be moving up from being a senior trader to Head of Asia Trading,’ Pete boasted.

  Roger looked at Pete sceptically. ‘I don’t know Pete, you’re a bit young to be a head trader.’

  ‘What do you mean? I’m the best trader the bank has in Asia. My age shouldn’t make a difference,’ Pete said a little offended.

  Roger took on a serious tone. ‘Pete, being a head trader is more than just being a great trader. You’ve got to help run the business and more importantly bring in business. It takes a certain level of…maturity. Hell, I was in my forties before I became the Head of Asia Trading at my bank and you’re only in your late thirties.’

  ‘Nick did say I’d have to prove myself. And, he’s going to be spending a lot more time in London this year to lay the groundwork for his promotion. So, there are going to be plenty of opportunities for me to show I can handle being a head trader.’

  ‘Yeah, so are you ready?’ Roger asked.

  Part I

  Falling

  1

  Screaming silently

  Peter Clarke looked out over the Singapore skyline from his condominium balcony, his t-shirt and shorts clinging to him in the sticky night air. He couldn’t sleep. Investors were running scared as the civil war in the Ukraine had suddenly grown into a standoff between Russia and NATO. It was one of those random events that was part of being a foreign exchange trader, but at three o’clock on a Tuesday morning in March 2014, the Monster was stalking Pete’s psyche.

  How did it come to this? he wondered.

  You’ve become arrogant, the Monster whispered. You should’ve known Putin would pull a stunt like this. You’re only a few months into the year and you’re already down a hundred grand. How can you be a head trader and teach young traders to make money if you can’t make it yourself? You’ll never dig yourself out of this hole.

  Pete tried closing his mind to the Monster by repeating the key principles of trading: Don’t take it personally, it’s just the markets. There’ll be other opportunities to make back the money. The markets are open twenty-four hours a day, five days a week. It didn’t help.

  You think you’re about to make the big time with a promotion, eh? the Monster continued. Well the chances of that are zero now. You’ll probably even lose your job. Your career’s over. You’ll never make any more money. That fancy private school you dreamed of for Robert is gone. He’ll turn out a loser just like you. It will be the final straw for Liz. She’ll leave you for someone who can provide for her and Robert properly. Imagine that, someone else sleeping with your wife. And as for Robert, you might get to see
him on the odd weekend and holiday if you’re lucky.

  Pete felt that everything he had worked so hard for since his adolescence was slipping away. Everyone would see he was just another uppity bogan from the bush who didn’t belong in investment banking.

  Having hypnotised its prey, the Monster took hold of Pete’s mind and sank in its venomous teeth. Pete felt his soul dying and yearned to make his body follow. Then calm settled over him. The decision had been made.

  Things will be quiet soon, Pete thought with relief. Liz will move on and find a better husband and father for Bobby. Mum and Dad will still have Tom and the bank will replace me. It will be as if I never existed, as I probably shouldn’t have.

  Pete stepped forward and clasped the rail of the balcony and leaned out over the glass panels. He swung his right foot up towards the city skyline and felt sharp pain as his ankle caught the balcony wall.

  ‘Shit,’ he hissed, hopping a couple of times before he slipped and fell.

  Pete lay on his back clutching his right ankle and wincing. The clouds above were stained ivory by the city lights. Lightning flashed, as if someone in heaven had just taken a photo of his pathetic attempt at self-destruction.

  ‘Yeah, you may as well take a photo,’ Pete said. ‘You won’t be seeing me anytime soon. An eternity in hell, right?’ He wasn’t sure who or what he was addressing. ‘Have you ever seen me?’ he added, full of self-pity. ‘Because it sure doesn’t feel like it.’

  And then, as if heaven were answering, there was a clap of thunder and rain began to fall.

  ‘Save your tears, I have plenty for myself,’ Pete muttered.

  After a few seconds of lying in the rain Pete said to himself, ‘I guess I should get out of the rain before I catch cold,’ then let out a huff and said, ‘You’re a bloody idiot Peter Clarke. You’re trying to kill yourself and you’re worried about catching a cold. I hope Bobby turns out smarter than you.’

  Pete’s thoughts lingered on his son. Bobby doesn’t deserve this. It would haunt him his whole life. And leaving him to face life alone would be cowardly. I should at least stick around and try to be a decent dad, Pete reasoned.

  He clutched his stomach, clambered to his feet and ran to the bathroom to empty his stomach into the toilet bowl. He nudged the bathroom door closed and then flushed the toilet.

  Rinsing his mouth out he stared at himself in the mirror, tracing the lines under his eyes and smoothing his receding hairline. Who the hell are you? he asked himself.

  2

  Screaming loudly

  Pete could hear his alarm, but it was a muffled echo of its usual piercing beep. He tried to reach it but felt as though he was dragging himself up from the bottom of a muck-filled pond.

  Was that a bad dream or an awful reality? he wondered. When he tried to sit up, he felt like a boulder in his head was weighing him down. Awful reality, he decided.

  Liz came over and switched off Pete’s alarm. She looked at him kindly and said, ‘Pete, you look awful. What time did you get to sleep last night?’

  He groaned as he sat up and rested his head in his hands. ‘At four am I think.’ He looked up and noticed that Liz was dressed for yoga. Her body was trim, and her blonde hair was tied back in a ponytail, revealing her attractive neck and shoulders. Even in her late thirties, Liz is still a beauty, he thought. Normally I’d be turned on by now, even making a move, but instead I just feel—

  ‘Maybe you should call in sick and take the day off. You don’t look so good,’ Liz suggested.

  ‘I’m not sick, just stressed. Besides, there’s Aussie data out today, so the bank needs me at work.’

  ‘I’m sure the bank can do without you for one day.’

  ‘There’s been some weird things happening just ahead of the data releases lately, so they need someone experienced there.’

  Pete struggled to his feet and gave Liz a peck on the cheek. ‘I’ll be fine. I just need some coffee and breakfast. I’ll grab some at work.’ Pete stretched and yawned. ‘Better get moving. It’s going to be a busy day, I can feel it.’

  Pete scanned the order book as he finished his Danish pastry. He noticed that Derek in Sales had an order for a client to be executed at a level not far away. Pete took a swig of coffee, put on his best diplomatic face and stood up to look for Derek at his desk in the next aisle. He wasn’t there. Pete sighed and looked around the floor. He saw Derek standing a few desks away. Derek was leaning towards an attractive saleswoman causing her to lean back in her chair. Derek then said something Pete couldn’t make out, which caused the saleswoman to grimace.

  Pete shook his head and yelled out, ‘Hey Derek, we’ve got Aussie data out in…’ he glanced at the wall clocks, ‘…four minutes. You’ve got an order in the system to buy a hundred million Aussie dollars using US dollars. The execution level’s not far away. Is the order executable over the data release?’

  Derek did his best not to look surprised. ‘I’ll check with the client,’ he replied as he rushed back to his desk and hurriedly logged onto his computer.

  ‘You have to check? We’re a few minutes out from a major data release, you should know,’ Pete said curtly as cortisol began pumping into his blood.

  ‘I’ll check with the client,’ Derek repeated after quickly scanning his screen and reached for his phone.

  Pete and Derek’s exchange had attracted the attention of the trading floor including that of their bosses, Nick and Neil, who exchanged unfriendly glances. ‘Well, the market’s been buying a lot of Aussie dollars going into this release, so it won’t take much to scare it into bailing on those positions and cause the Aussie to collapse before the data is out. And then your client’s execution level is going to get hit and his order is going to get done unless I hear otherwise, got it?’ Pete added brusquely before sitting back down to nervously watch his screens.

  ‘One minute to the Aussie retail sales data,’ Bruce from Research bellowed.

  Pete had still not heard from Derek and leaned forward in his seat. ‘Here we go. We’re really in for it now,’ he said quietly.

  Thirty seconds out from the data release, the Aussie dollar dropped, which elicited groans from the trading floor.

  Research yelled, ‘There’s nothing out yet. Looks like someone’s got the data early again and they’re betting it’s weak.’

  Who the hell’s doing this? Pete wondered. He let out a breath and quickly tapped at his dealer board. ‘Derek, the Aussie fell and hit your client’s execution level, so he’s done. He bought one hundred million Aussie and sold US. Good luck.’ He then quickly made sure his own positions were square before the data release.

  There was no further movement in the market as Research yelled, ‘Ten seconds out,’ and after a short pause added, ‘here we go.’

  The floor fell silent as everyone watched the screens for the release.

  Research roared, ‘Weak data!’

  Wow, that guy got it right again, Pete thought. The ABS needs to check for a leak. He watched the Aussie dollar take another leg lower.

  Derek’s client was now losing ten thousand dollars for every pip or one hundredth of a cent the Aussie dollar fell against the US dollar.

  Pete moved his hand towards his dealer board and was about to sell some Aussie dollars and take an outright position himself, when he heard Derek say, ‘Sorry Pete, the order was only good until ten minutes before the data.’

  Pete stood up. ‘What!? Are you sure?’

  Derek looked up nervously from his desk. ‘Yes, I have it written down here in my notes.’

  The order was off, and Pete was now the person losing ten thousand dollars a pip. He dropped any effort to be polite.

  ‘You bloody idiot! Why wasn’t the good till in the system? Now I have to dump those Aussie dollars at a loss!’ Pete hurriedly tapped on his dealer board, then said more forcefully, ‘That just cost me forty grand. How much of that are you going to wear? Why wasn’t the good till in the system?’

  Derek looked down at
his desk to avoid Pete’s furious gaze and mumbled, ‘I forgot to enter it into the system.’

  Pete felt as if the rational part of himself stepped out of his body to watch as he unloaded a verbal barrage on Derek. ‘You forgot to enter it? You know, as a salesperson, you’re not asked to do much. Suck up to clients by taking them out for lunch or dinner or setting up a meeting with a trader or researcher. But most of all, you’re expected to get their orders right. And you can’t even do that, you glorified bloody bookkeeper,’ Pete yelled. ‘Tell you what. Every deal you do with me from here on in I’m going to add a pip to the spread until I make the forty grand back. How does that sound, you…cauliflower-eared imbecile?’

  Nick came over and rested his hand on Pete’s shoulder. It dragged Pete’s rational self back into his body and he looked around to see the whole trading floor staring at him in shock. He turned to face Nick.